No Both-ends!

The Australian Cricket Bored are considering
two bowlers in simultaneous action!

This will destroy our game!

As part of the FreeTrade agreement with America, Australian broadcasters want to make live telecasts of cricket matches into America during their prime-viewing times.

But American broadcasters are objecting. They have observed that the non-facing batsman is either waving to the crowd, picking his nose, or adjusting his wedding tackle. The American viewers would never tolerate this degree of idleness, they say.

"It would gravely offend their sense of industry. You'll have to give those [non-facing] batsmen something worthwhile to do."

To make the game of cricket more appealing to American audiences The Australian Cricket Bored is seriously considering having two bowlers in simultaneous action, one from each end. Not only would this make the game more interesting, they say, but it would greatly shorten the duration of a game, bringing it more into line with the average American's attention-span.

This is a ridiculous proposal. To be fair, the two bowlers will have to release their ball at the same moment in time. And what if the two balls were to collide in mid-air? Would that count as two "no balls"? Or as one?

Umpire numbers would increase dramatically under both-ended bowling. There are even rumours of eleven umpires being needed, enough to form the third team on a cricket field, thus confirming the popular belief that the umpires are the third team.

Write now to the
Prime Monster of Australia

No Both-ends!


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